Cooked on Netflix

Check it out the next time you can't decide on something to watch. It's a series, beware of the binge. watching the first episode now, lots of interesting info with solid storytelling, offering new perspectives on something that rarely seems to earn the respect we owe it for our survival!

Baked Brie

August, mind you, a Texas summer night. So delightfully cool outside, so sublimely beautiful, so unbelievably rare, it's magical. Twinkling patio lights, clanking wine glasses. Sharp cheddar, herbed mozzarella, and I'm baking a brie wedge in crescent dough. This is about to be serious. I'm 'fixin to' up my game, throwing down some last minute wow on a Tuesday evening worthy of such decadence.

I cut the rind off the brie, not sure if it would melt. I'm not in love with eating brie rind, but I don't particularly mind it either, despite the knowledge of what it is. Honestly, I was trying to use only half of the crescent roll dough, I needed the extra room to wrap it. Marvelously, it fit like a glove, champ!

Follow generic recipe online. After 20 minutes in a 350 oven, brush with an egg wash. 5 minutes to perfection. Giddy! Oh so giddy!

I'm beyond excited about this, grateful to have snapped a pic, eager to capture the ooey-gooey one that immediately follows. Gorgeous color, pungent, yet comforting with the sweet-baked smell of the crescent roll. The sheen on it's not obvious, but it was there. I swear.

After letting it rest for a few minutes, I could hardly wait to have it in my mouth--so warm, it's still piping hot in the center, creamy and molten. But wow, the aroma...it won't quit. The first nibble was cut in two, offering one to the giant. Wowza. My portion was mostly crust, as was the big guy's, so I cut two larger bites. Flakey, glistening, oh, gawd...and stinky.

Mmmm. Wait, wait, this is burning my throat, the fumes smoldering up under my soft palette are stinging my nostrils. The giant's face contorts into a montage of nightmarish distortions, he gags. I start screaming even though my mouth was completely full--muffled terror! He runs to the bathroom, aiming for the toilet; I lunge toward the utility closet, headed for the trashcan. Fucking disgusting! Spit, SPIT!!! Hack, cough, gag! For a moment I consider picking up the microfiber rug and licking it's dry pellet-like texture just to get this shit/gunk hybrid cheese turd off my tongue. Before I could get it all spit out, I suggested the big guy lick the dog's ass to cleanse his pallet! Do we have any drain cleaner??? Where's that scrap piece of fine-grit sandpaper???--anything to get this taste out of my mouth!!! Plughghghfffffttt BLEAGHGHGHGH!

Whertguh. Breathe. Just breathe. Whertguh. Spit. Breathe. Wash it down. WHERTGUH! Bleach! Get a glass of bleach, with ice...whertguh, uh. I'm not....WHERT, UH...guh...I'm not taking a picture of that shit, get it out of here. Whert...guh, uh. Oh my gawd. Tears are streaming down our faces form the gagapalooza of an ammonia flavored baked brie. Guh. Just breathe.

Having to describe it, my best answer would be a litter box full of dried out cat shit soaked in piss wrapped in moist dirty gym socks form 1987--you know, but with a melted, cheesy center. Fuckaround, man. This shit *gag* was so *gag* I had to...please excuse me. I can't stop whertguh-ing.

Apparently, what I've been eating as Brie, is not in fact, Brie at all. It's Brie-ish, but not Brie. Real Brie can't be exported from France because of the bacteria-laden rind. This one said it was imported from France on the label, and I paid a pretty penny for it, but whatever. I am still queasy. Apparently, this ammonia flavor and aroma could have been dissipated by airing it out. You would have had to air it out three states away to ever get that smell/taste out. Ugh.

I don't even want to talk about it anymore. So disgusting. The big guy takes it to the trash, ridding our household of this foul stench. If only we had some 9-volt batteries to lick, maybe our pie-holes could revive with a little shock therapy.

Aye.

Marshmallow Coffee

Creeping Jesus! This is an insanely: tasty, frothy, awesome, cup of adult rewards. Coffee with meringue! I never knew this was a thing, I just did it one evening, then looked it up afterwards. Like so many of our favorite things=classic, bold, simple, comforting, sweet and delicious.

I didn't toast mine, but next the next time I get out of this matchbox, I'm getting one of those flame-thrower, welding torch...whatchyamagigs for all the 2 times I ever needed one.

Perfect for this rainy day!

Michelada, Michelada, Michelada!

The day I had my first taste of a bloody Mary backed with a Budlight shooter is the day I began ruining my liver, in downtown St. Louis. From that point on, I could be spotted at any social gathering from a great distance by people who didn't even know me. The loud one, that smart-ass drunk slamming vodka and tomato juice in one hand, light beer in the other. Oh gawd. Luckily, she doesn't do that anymore. It pains me to know that period could have been shortened long before I replaced my poison with Jager, if I'd just had more Mexican/Latino friends!!!

Blame the Mexicans...it's the American way!

Mi amigos let me in on a little summer favorite, one that they'd been keeping a big secret. Sort of. If you've never had a Michelada, but have tried a 'Chelada' made by Budweiser, it's the same concept. I thought I had found a super easy solution to having my bloody mary and beer in one container, but the tomato juice ratio was always too much and just seemed lacking in general. However, my first sip of homemade Michelada, I swear I heard supernatural creatures sing in perfect harmony!

Mine was made with Clamato Picante Cocktail, Modelo, limes, and Tajin(which my latinos pronounced like 'Cajun' because, well...Texas).

Try it with your fave Mexican beer, it's heaven!

Cut limes for garnish & to wet rim, dip in Tajin, add Clamato, adjust ratio with beer, enjoy!

Celery Salad

Ina Garten has a wonderful recipe for celery salad. I don't have it handy, and I'm not going to fetch it for you because that's not what this is, but it was the inspiration for it.

It's been a long time since I made this one pictured, I can't say the exact ingredients, and since I just found this in my phone, less-than-stellar photo quality isn't much of a help in discovering all of them.

Celery, sliced. On the slant if you're feeling fancy
Lemon Garlic marinade & dressing
Black Pepper
Celery salt
Parmesan cheese, freshly grated with a vegetable peeler
Walnuts, toasted, it looks like...? but I swore I used toasted
Pecans!


Maybe green onions in there. Hard to tell. Good call, though.





I think I see bell pepper, a red one would be nice, maybe a radish? No tomatoes if you want to serve this with any red Italian sauce dish...that's just overkill.

It's delish and pretty versatile. A nice detour from the regular dinner salad.

Green Devils

And ham, or bacon!

I was going to make these for my family while they were here on vacation, but my oldest nephew didn't come, and the younger ones were like, EW! Ssssseriously? If you have kids at home, they'll probably turn their head inside out of you were to present them with green eggs. That's the thing about kids...they don't know what's good, you have to show them! So, make these 'Green Devils' for your adult friends and family, just not for the keg party. Or beer of any kind, really.

Boil, peel, slice, and you know how to make deviled eggs, don'tchya?
Do that, add smashed avocado, top with smoked paprika.
Kick ass and take names.
Top with bacon bits or serve at brunch with bacon...mmm!






It's okay if you can't stop thinking about Dr. Suess.